It can’t really be nearly May?

OK, I know, the theme of me losing time is getting tiresome.  But really, after a chilly birthday and a mostly cold March, I was ready for a joyously Spring-y April. 

Instead, even in Miami from the 4th-8th for the IAPAC  HIV Adherence conference, we had cool days.  Luckily the first day I was there was awesome, sunny, breezy, but warm enough to sun and swim in Amy’s hotel’s rooftop bigger than Olympic size pool and hot tub that was a square at least 25X25 feet–I’ve NEVER seen such a tub. 

After getting some sun that day, we headed to the conference that night for the reception and to meet other friends and colleagues for dinner down in Miami Beach.  And so went our days and nights, with the addition of grantwriting well into the 2 a.m.’s each night—but the good news was reconnecting with the good people in the behavioral HIV treatment world, who are smart and funny and committed and who apparently loved our work.  My team was fantastic.  Kendall and I presented talks, while we also had 5 posters—8 presentations in all sponsored by the CART grant, which ended just before the conference.   It was great to get away and I actually got more work done than I would have at home!

Next up was finishing up the grant with several new colleagues who will come to be valued friends.  If we get these funds, we will test a cool technology intervention to reach rural patients with HIV.   My grant was the first prepared and submitted from UVA, and apparently set our department in a good enough light that my colleagues’ grants got bumped after they saw how easy it was to put mine in….After that, I deserved some time with attention to my love life but that time was sadly very short!  You can’t always get what you want….

I had a promised trip to Birmingham for a few meet and greets and to give Grand Rounds at  the psychiatry department there—all focusing on different aspects of MI.  My girlfriend Karen surprised me with the fancy dinner night being at Frank Stitt’s newest restaurant—she didn’t know I’d long been a fan and have his tome of a cookbook and have prepared some amazing dishes from his recipes….she and Adrienne and I had a gourmet delight of a dinner that night, and what a pleasure their company was!  The restaurant is in a historic old building and it’s beautiful inside, like a larger, finer Tuscan space.  The menu offered so many vegetarian and seafood options–I was in heaven!  In Birmingham I got to reconnect with an old friend, play with her babies, and see her new life, which is good.  Also,  I enjoyed everyone I met–smart and interesting people. 

 

Outside and inside of Bottega Favorita.

I got home and was almost too tired to go out and see Lucero, but I couldn’t miss it.  You gotta love the howlin’ Memphis rock.   Opening for them at the charming Outback Lodge here in Cville was a hilariously cliche’d (yet sadly unironic) post punk band, Titus Andronicus.  I stood in the sound board/tapers area, and the sound guy was literally dozing off during their set!   Lucero surprised me—I’d been a fan, had their records, but I really enjoyed seeing their Brad Pitt-styled white t shirt wearing lead singer belting it out with that old black man grizzly voice….still, because I’d driven and met friends there, I had to drive home, and was so exhausted that I had to leave when they still had 45 minutes left to play….really not at all like me to leave the rock show early, but I’d gotten a little sleep on the weekend and needed even more…

Two days later, we celebrated the end of the CART grant at Jenny’s new home in Richmond.  She threw a lovely party and we got to see some old friends like Tawana–I took some incriminating video but promised not to post it! 

At the end of the evening, I FINALLY got to see Family Force Five—they were playing at the National, a really great venue, and it was quite a scene—a long line of teens when we swung by to get the tickets, requiring me to beg the chubby lesbian girl for the last few tickets—yes!  

 

I knew I’d likely be among the older elements of the crowd, but the saddest part was that I wasn’t–I was just the only person within 10 years of my age who knew and loved this band and knew every word and wanted to dance–the rest were there as chaperones, bored, complaining, waiting for their kids to be ready to go home!   No worries–I had fun and was grateful to have been able to go, even on a work night!

Did March happen?

 Apparently it did, but not in the style of last year!  We went to the Tea Room, a not quite cozy but surprisingly freshly prepared Chinese food place right by the bank in Crozet.   That was the last “break” I remember, because after that, it was focusing on data analyses from the EARLY project and reviewing prior Balance and CHOICES project data, all to prepare for a big talk I was to give in Victoria, British Columbia, at the International FASD conference.  Partly in preparing for that, we discovered both random and systematic errors in one piece of our data entry so hired our prior intern Phil to clean it up and luckily he’s doing a great job and in the process, learning more about contraception and women’s errors about such than he EVER wanted to know….I agreed to go to the conference not wanting to face a birthday alone, especially after last year’s really great one.  I knew my main peeps were unavailable for making a fuss over me, so I thought, go somewhere I’ve never been.   That kind of thinking was mostly a mistake–one never wants to be truly alone on one’s birthday.  But I made the best of it, taking a great long walk around Victoria Harbor, as far as I could go, then going to the gym, riding the bike, then swimming and soaking in the hot tub and generally lolling around!  I ran into two of my girlfriends at the conference and we all caught up one of the nights over a tasty Italian dinner where they come out to those waiting in line and pour a glass of red!  Fantastic.  That was probably my favorite night.  My favorite morning though was hearing Susan Astley give a plenary showing new MRI data about the FASD brain and I kept thinking, Susan Astley, rock star of the FASD world.  It was one of the better talks ever and helped me to think really clearly about how I wanted to handle my talk 2 days later.  Our room was packed and the panel was excellent and I presented a synthesis of the way we’ve been working on alcohol-exposed pregnancy prevention, and people were still just getting their heads around the two paths to prevention…..most of the subsequent questions were to me, and I met several really committed folks who may even bring me up to Manitoba to help them implement up there…..Canada has it all over the U.S. in FASD services and are beginning more prevention, especially in B.C.  

I was happy to get back home and find that Heather and Brad bid on a house less than a mile away…..they came over one weekend before they closed and I took them on a bike ride through Crozet, though they laughed derisively when they saw my old bike—I actually like it; it’s a hybrid mountain bike/touring bike, but it got quite rusty in the shed at my old house and it took their industrial pump to re-inflate one of the tired tires…..according to their odometers, we rode more than 6 miles, which used to be a quotidien activity for me back in my teen years when I had a gold ten speed…..but not now!   The next two days, I felt like I’d been….never mind!

At the end of the month, I’d expected to run in the Monument Avenue 10K, but between food poisoning and a parental scheduling misunderstanding, it couldn’t happen….and after hearing the hype about that band from Liverpool and the new cool kids and fun retreads like Tinted Windows, I wished for sure I were at South by Southwest…..luckily as a DirecTV customer, I got to observe some of it on TV101’s recap….But really, March was a LOW music month and that never makes me very happy.

My happiest moments were when Heather and Brad conjured up a birthday celebration for me and made, from scratch, some of the best Indian food ever.   Tim and Posie came too and surprised me with thoughtful little gifts and the love I cherish.   Of course, Tim had to quiz me about my sexual preferences, but he likes to act out among friends!  It was fun and I loved the CD he made for me, the candles and great matches and card from him and Posie, and of course, in addition to the awesome dinner, my very own INDUSTRIAL strength bike pump from Heather and Brad!!!!!   Yes, a pretty great birthday party!  

Then, deeply into submitting those supplemental grants and getting ready for the HIV Adherence conference and running lots of data analyses that were slightly incomplete and missing my love on his birthday and preparing most of the skeleton for the challenge grant…..whew!

Don’t look back in anger; or, February is the coldest month…

Wow, it’s been a whirlwind.

In February, the boys and I went again to Summit County Colorado for skiing.  We had a great location right at the base of River Run Village in Keystone, and skiied Keystone, Breck, and Beaver Creek.  We had snow several of the days with some overcast conditions, so I got fewer spectacular photos than usual, but above you can see the boys riding the lift at Beaver Creek and next to that, their beautiful form skiing on a blue slope at Breck.

Heather had a conference that same week, so our time overlapped and we had a few joint skiing days.  Also, she taught my boys the wiles of Dice!   They REALLY developed a big crush on her when she escorted them on several black bump runs and some blue-black bumps for Jamie as well.  By next year, if I’m not careful, they really will be able to leave me in the snowdust and I’ll barely be able to catch them!  Jamie’s newfound height (by February, about 5′5″) made him more agile if not more skier-pretty….he lets it run and has little fear and can hockey stop with the best of them.  It was his first year with poles the whole time.  Of course, Tristan also wanted poles, which are useful if you get stuck POLING! 

But mostly, due to Keystone carving some way new paths and altering some well-known terrain, there was little poling needed.  We easily trundled all around Breck as well and the kids tortured me making me ride that darn Peak 8 Express Connect that twists and turns more ways than should be allowed! 

I got back very late after (of course) flight delays, but had promised myself to go see Jason Isbell one more time.  My darling best friend had tried to set me up with the trax but I bought the CD off the band and got Tristan the COOLEST tshirt.  

 

The band was rocking but after my long week working it out on the slopes, I was ready to hit the bourbon heavy and dance all night!  Sadly, that didn’t happenn quite the way it would if I were independently wealthy or otherwise a lady of leisure…. 

Next up was the start of the futbol season, which included having both boys now on Challenge teams, the level where they have to try out but their teams are still a very mixed bag in terms of talent and motivation.   Tristan’s team is purple while Jamie’s remains….Carolina blue.   As usual, Spring soccer has included freezing during practices and games, with too many scheduled early. 

Jamie winding up for a big pass

Tristan doing a practice drill before the game starts

There’s been naught to watch on TV except the endless news of recession, depression, etc. but for HBO….I was really into Big Love with really wild and compelling storylines.   Tristan’s favorites are either Iron Chef or Good Eats! (because of course only a preteen could be enthralled by Alton Brown, although you gotta love his volume of food knowledge).  

The major work news this month was that the stimulus package had big money to give back to NIH to restore some of what’s been lacking for the past decade…..what it stimulated for me, my department, and every research university in the land was a hastening of writing, or retooling, or amending, grant applications.   I wrote for a solid three weeks beginning in mid February to prepare a few proposals….My team put in two supplemental applications and began working on a major grant that could work as a challenge grant (taking the first 2 years of a 5 year plan) or a full 5 year grant.   Additionally, I’d already been planning a June application to extend our work on the prevention of Alcohol Exposed Pregnancy, so it’s all work all the time for the end of February into March and even into April…..though the chances of getting one of these grants is exceedingly slim.   But we’ve been told “it’s easy to get grants right now…..”  by the man who has the best hit rate I know of….

In other news, my Mom visited my brother and his family for about 6 weeks, and we were very glad to have her return!

At the end of February, there were birthdays for Erica and Jamie and my cousin’s son Sean, all who turned 13….all I can say is my patented…YIKES!

Coming Soon! New and Improved! Sale! This month only!

I know this space has been lacking, but SOON highlights will include:

February joints like a family ski trip, more Jason Isbell (new CD AND another show), a new soccer season, a new season of Big Love, the stimulus package and its stimulative effects, Mom’s return from 6 weeks in Texas, reconnecting with great old friends, and birthdays for Erica and Jamie and my cousin’s son Sean, all turning 13 (cue Psycho stabbing music!)

March highlights to include a new tasty Chinese restaurant in Crozet, winding down an NIH grant and heavy data work, preparing for conferences, a trip to British Columbia, another birthday for me, Crozet bike rides and other feats of exercise including the upcoming Monument Avenue 10K, getting ready for Heather and Brad’s upcoming move to their new home in Crozet (YAYYYYYYYY!!!)  and (knowing I will be) wishing I were at SXSW!!!!!

First ski trip of 2009

A year ago, I’d just met Heather, who over the last year has become my treasured newest real friend.  We are very different but she cracks me up and I occasionally scandalize her, so it works out! 

She and hubby Brad were heading to Park City and had others bag on a joint trip, and I had an unused ticket…so, voila, I had the pleasure of a brief adult ski trip last week. 

Upon my arrival, I was thrilled to see snow everywhere from the foothills upward.   The last two times I was in the area for skiing, there was little snow EXCEPT on the mountains, due to the lateness of the season.  Now, arriving Jan. 31, there was ample snow (although the locals eschew skiing on days other than powder days)—HA!  More for me.

I’d reminded these serious skiers (Heather from many years living in Utah and Colorado, Brad from growing up in Colorado) that I was a week-a-year intermediate skier, albeit one who likes to go fast.   Despite this, we ascended the mountain together and I trusted them to navigate.  Right after lunch on day 1, we were on a steep mogul hill where the bumps were “soft” not too icy, and I got down about 1/2 way before losing my balance and sitting down.  Due to the slope, I merely put out my arm and got back up.  Sadly, at the 2/3rds down area, I got my weight well behind my boots on an icy left turn around a bump and couldn’t recover—I had a spectacular, cartwheeling, head over heels, skis and poles flying FALL.   Sadly, nobody caught it on tape.  My breath was knocked out for a bit, just long enough for mountain goat-footed Brad to RUN up the hill to retrieve an errant ski—I was very grateful, because it would have taken me another 30 minutes!  I was ok, but all pride was gone…. once I found my footing, I was able to ski away just fine, and I had to hold the line more carefully for the rest of the trip–blue groomers, please!!!! 

Still, I somehow got off a green trail, on which I was flying, hit a jump I didn’t see, and took another, but less interesting fall the third day.  I got up fine, but was sweaty and out of breath, especially when I saw the cliff looming below.  Somehow we lost the actual trail and were skiing over bushes, trees, moderate sized bumps, and grass, with me in a panicky third, sure I could not, would not, should not take that jump.   I yelled down to my more skilled companions to find me a path, and they did–a tiny, narrow crevasse-crossing bridge of snow that would require impeccable turning.  I had to hike up to get the right line, but in the end, I did it, and I think Brad captured it on video, upload to follow soon I hope! 

You can see photos of the trip on the Flickr photostream on the side of the page.  Big fun was had, including the skiing (2 days at Park City, 1 at the Canyons) and nights out at the Deer Valley Seafood extravaganza–you can’t really call this gourmet level food a buffet–stops at several bars, and breakfast my last morning at the best diner in town, featuring a harrassed waitress whom we treated well.  Oh, and a fantastic “Spanish” (more like mexican) omelette for me….

I got back too late to make any evening plans then have jumped into a couple straight days of serious work.   All in time for one more week of work before your intrepid adventure girl lights out on her second ski trip–accompanied by two young men.  More to come, certainly!

Dancing the cold away

This weekend was originally slated for personal business or work but somehow when neither of those was forthcoming, and too much of both happened in the past few weeks, I decided to end Inauguration week with music I love and music that’s inherently fun and interesting.  Friday night was no show but plenty of fun, and Saturday held promise with a  trip to The National, Richmond, for Drive By Truckers.  Yes I’ve gone several times this year but there was a large group of friends gathering and their shows are best as a shared event.  We arrived and using texting found our friends and started in on the fun right away.  Here are some shots of the band members, who absolutely cooked.

 

 

After the show, I was so sweaty from dancing and moving that I was able to walk to the parking deck sans coat and not feel it.  Next we all headed to Chris’s for a late night impromptu breakfast and more fun conversation (well at least all the cool kids showed up!)

Sunday, after seriously awesome conversations, I did some housework  and met up with  Heather and Brad, who cooked, from scratch, one of the best Indian meals I’ve ever enjoyed.  There was home made red bean curry, perfect rice, home made Naan bread, and a spinach saag that made  me want endlessly more.  Next we met up with Posie and headed to the Gravity Lounge to see Kevin Kinney, formerly of drivin n cryin.  Last time I saw that band, they filled a 5000+ outdoor arena.  This Sunday night, he and his really  talented band pulled in a mere 60 patrons to the Gravity Lounge.

Kinney started with a classic, Scarred but Smarter from dnc.  He was in a talkative, joking mood, and the band was tight, although I didn’t know any of his newer songs (and not sure of any of the titles!)  Some of my favorites were What Jesus do you know?  (following a story about being confronted by evangelists in a Piggly Wiggly),  40 Miles of Mountain Road, Bring home the bacon and take out the trash (by request while he was struggling to get in tune), and Blues on top of blues/love on top of love, a real highlight.  He tuned his guitar a few times “because this is a good song” while ignoring tuning for others!!!!   Of course he ended the encore with Straight to Hell and a few other oldies, and my girlfriends and I enjoyed the humor-filled, down home rock show.

Last night there was yet more music, again back to the Gravity Lounge.  The opening act was an all acoustic local, Shannon Worrell, accompanied by Sam ??? of Sons of Bill, who made the set with an eerie lap steel guitar piece.  Shannon had a great voice and well crafted songs, but I was in a rocking mood, not up for the girl folkie approach–she even apologized knowing we were there for a burning down the house show.  And sorry Shannon, but who put that monstrosity of a bow in your hair?   I’ve got a stylist to send you to…..My favorite song was one that a local poet helped her write, but now I can’t recall the title.  It was clearly poetically superior! 

Last on the list was Alejandro Escoveda, of Mexico, California, New York, Chicago, etc…..his past is filled with an extensive, varied musical history including a punk period with a minor, successful  band.  He and his band tore it up and I even bought a tshirt!  

Alejandro played nearly all of the songs from his newest record, Real Animal, and during the encore did a broad range of covers from Lou Reed to the Rolling Stones–his Beast of Burden was excellent, and I usually hate that song done by anyone but the Stones!  

I danced enough to get warm and keep warm enough that I could dash back to the car in my tshirt….got home before the precipitation and stayed in out of the ice danger today….good thing too, with two fatal accidents nearby already.

Austin, January 2009

I hadn’t been to Austin since college, so I was very excited to plan our next investigators’ meeting there, and to throw in some fun as well.  We had a two day meeting scheduled for Thursday and Friday, so we flew in Wednesday, got in early enough to take in some fun, worked the next two days, and then I stayed an extra day to spend time with one of my most cherished friends.

Wednesday we checked in with the busy hosts, and they were occupied prepping for the meeting, so Jenny, Amy, and I set out to explore downtown, walking distance from the riverfront/lakefront Hyatt right near the bat bridge.  We got a little pocket tour of some highlights from Jenny’s engagement, and had drinks at a couple of bars before lighting at the Iron Cactus for a rooftop dinner.  Then on to another bar, with an accidental stop at the sex shop.  These two MADE ME go in…..laughing at Jenny mistaking it for another bar….   

We ended up in some other bar when Linda and Mark called, ready to meet us for our planned evening seeing Dale Watson play at the Broken Spoke.  We met them there, and it was a fantastic dive.

Dale Watson was old school, cowboy dancing music with a Merle Haggard but smoother voice…he’d been in the midwest and was ecstatic to be back in Austin, pulling up a number of musician friends for some picking….

I was loving the vibe, but really didn’t realize until too late that if you weren’t sitting with your arms around your honey, you’d be picked off for dancing with all sorts of….gentlemen….and they really were gentlemen.  It was just like going back in time.  They plucked me off first, but Amy and Jenny both got their share of dancefloor twirls and turns…

The band kept going and we all had an early morning, so we had to call it quits before they did.

Thursday was a productive day at work, followed by lakefront drinks.  

We then headed out to Esther’s Follies, to hear Linda’s fantastic laugh.  Jerry surprised us with a horse drawn carriage ride to the Madison Club, a newly refurbished chic bar where Mary’s famous DJ son sometimes spins.

Friday night after a long day of hashing out data issues and plans, discussing possible approaches for publication, reviewing some of our plans for phase 2, and drafting some abstracts (deadline: today!) we all headed out for Indian food at the Clay Pit.  I enjoyed my small table with Kirk and Lynn and we devoured the spinach paneer bread and I ate nearly every drop of my Veggie Korma—delectable! 

Here was the tired  crew after several days of hard work!

 

Next a smaller group of us headed to UT and caught James McMurtry at the Cactus Cafe.  I knew James slightly in college and he’s changed physically and in guitar skill–but still has the same laconic wit.  He played songs from a number of his records, focusing on the last couple.  

After the first set, he brought out his son Curtis to play mandolin.  Curtis seems cut from the same cloth, joking that if you play mandolin, you will never make money, and you will never be in tune.

While we all enjoyed the show, it was so blazing hot (man am I glad I left my jacket in the car!) that we finally had to leave before the end of the second set.   It was good to get into bed just after 1 a.m. because Mary and I had a hard day at the spa scheduled for the next day!

Saturday I dragged myself out of the very comfortable B&B like guest room, threw on some workout clothes (not that I intended to work out–no!) and went downstairs.  After a little fruit and a diet coke, (Mary had a healthy oatmeal and rice milk breakfast!) we got into her luxurymobile and meandered over to the Lake Austin Spa, the “Conde Nast #1 Destination Spa”  and wow I could see why.  It’s tucked into the hills, a Frank Lloyd Wright style exterior with a view down to the lovely small section of the lake….

We arrived, were instructed to get into robes, got a brief tour, then had a delicious and lite lunch heavy on locally grown herbs. 

Then it was time to wait in the “blue room” for our treatments. 

My first was a ginger and lime sea salt scrub and infused oil treatment that was very like a massage except that all of your dry winter skin gets sloughed off then anointed with herbed and limed oil……I glowed afterwards. 

Then back to the blue room to await my real massage….a 50 minute extremely thorough one, second best in my life! 

Afterwards, we sat by the fire, drank tea, talked, then dragged ourselves to get our suits on for the hot tub and pool where we took some luxurious laps….

Finally, we rejoined the world and Jerry and had my last “Rex Mex” meal at Maudie’s before I had to prep for catching a plane the next day…..

A View Back on Election Day 2008

November 4, 2008, one of the happiest days of my life.

It started in Crozet VA where I went to vote and encountered lines at 6:30 a.m.! 

All kinds were there, and I was thrilled.  I talked to a friend who voted around 10 a.m., and at that point, nearly 80% of all eligible voters had already cast their ballots.

I spent the rest of the day on the phone with my friend who was driving folks in Richmond from the projects and poor areas to the polls in the rain, watching the news, and fighting back fear….

That night I met Pam for an election night party hosted by my internet savvy friend Lee.  He and his wife had organized a fun theme party, had multiple displays of the results as they came in, and themed food like Half Baked Alaska, Candy McCain Ice Cream, Left and Right Wings, etc….very festive.  Pam was running late so we got there only about 90 minutes before key states fell to Obama and my heart was racing….could this really happen?  

When they called the election, my best friend texted the world “We fucking win!”    

I couldn’t believe it—I graduated high school in the early 80s from a school in Jefferson Parish Louisiana, in which I was bussed 50 minutes away because of racism….while my brother attended the high school 5 minutes away.   Why?  Well, in Jefferson Parish, they didn’t fight desegregation, but they chose to separate by sex…..we don’t want black boys and white girls going to school together.  So until that late date, racism ruled and I went to a school I should never have attended, was restricted in class choices, and grew to believe that racism was so pervasive that I would never, in my lifetime, see an election result like this. 

Later in life, my best friend was a black woman who actually was biracial, but who was, like Obama, considered black.  She considered herself black.  I asked her in one of our many far-ranging discussions why she was following the outdated “one drop” rule and she stated the obvious: she looked black, so no matter what her heritage, she was treated as less than.    I learned a lot about her experiences of racism even within her own family.  She had to battle for everything, and had a constant awareness of the likelihood of racism at every turn, ready to limit her options.  She felt it when she undertook a genetics study, and in her professional societies that tolerated racism even despite knowing the minimal genetic basis for our social construction.   She felt it when she went to Africa and she was considered “colored,” not “black” and thus BETTER……I see racism alive still, even this past year, when I have  had my little four year old friend Maya with me.  She’s of mixed heritage, and people may assume I’m her mom when the two of us are out, and they look at her, then me, and you can tell they’re doing the calculations, and sometimes they make a variety of faces.   All of these things led me even until late October of 2008 to fear, to believe, that these barriers could not be overcome…..

And so, WE WON.  I say that not just because I’m liberal and campaigned for Obama.   But because in this instance, Americans voted for merit, and opportunity, and overlooked long held sterotypes, and showed themselves to be able to grow beyond old conceptions of things like race.   I can’t count the number of my Eur0pean friends who were cautious….and surprised….and joyful at our election.

When I got into work the next day, our administrative assistant, who happens to be the only black woman working in our building, caught me in the parking lot and gave me a huge hug and thanked me with tears in her eyes-she was open, she felt free, and her joy was palpable—–she never thought this day could come, either…..

I love the fact that my children, white boys with the relative privilege of that group, attended preschool with a huge range of children of different colors.  They as children described kids by “color” like pink, brown, beige, dark brown, etc…..using color not to describe race, but just as another descriptor.  To this day, my younger son describes things like “the tall boy….he sits next to me….he’s brown…..” instead of “the black kid” or many more negative things I heard as a child that diminished people into only one aspect that described them. 

I’m still so moved, and continue to be moved as we’ve come closer to inauguration day…..people are showing respect…..nobody’s been killed…..I’m grateful to be alive and to see that Americans can show their best selves even under stress.    I’ll stop now because words fail.

Going all in

The other night, wrapping Christmas presents, I caught most of one of my favorite movies, Adaptation.  It’s the one with awkward twins Charlie Kaufman, the screenwriter, and brother Donald, both played by a chubby and balding Nic Cage, in one of his actual acting turns (as opposed to the churn it out for money movies he often makes).   Kaufman is unnerved by writing an adaptation of a book about a Ghost Orchid and its central character, a very flawed minor criminal/horticultural expert in the Florida swamps.  Meryl Streep is the writer of the book, a real book called The Orchid Thief written by real New Yorker writer Susan Orlean, and as it turns out, in the movie, “Susan” is now John’s lover and fellow orchid-drug addict….anyway, I digress.  

   

There are several pivotal scenes and amazing themes in this film, but I was struck so hard the other night by one of the last brother-brother moments.  Donald is telling Charlie that he loved this girl in high school, and Charlie points out that she only made fun of Donald and never was his.   Donald replies that it doesn’t matter–that he loved her, and that none of her mocking behavior or adolescently cruel rejection could take his love away; it was his to give, and that made it his forever.  He could cherish it forever, and feel nourished by the experience.

That is real love, love that is generous, kind, and non-possessive.  I’ve written about my questions on the nature of love a lot on this site.  I have wondered why it’s so easy for a love that is freely given to get twisted and wither under the weight of expectations… but this one scene captures it all so much better than I ever could.

My life has changed in the last few years, and while there have been very obvious changes, one that is apparent to very few may be the most important.  I am less defended than I’ve ever been—- living more freely, breathing easily, finding it so revealing to be open and honest so much of the time.    Even though I’ve been an extravert since birth, I used to observe with a long cool eye and then show only parts of my truth.    (Used to, meaning, up until about 3 years ago.  Meaning, most of my life).  Now, I find myself speaking the truth nearly all of the time, often to strangers, but also to friends, colleagues, and family members.   Some could say I might should temper this a bit—as in, don’t scare all the grad students and other young folks in my circle when they are just entering their 30s, max, and shouldn’t be expected to hear the truth of the 40s.  

When I realized I was telling the truth to people I barely knew, I also realized some things about what’s been happening.   I’ve opened up so much, compared to even 5 years ago, that it’s caused a loosening of the death grip of my cultural lessons..  I’m from a deadly subculture that encouraged me to hide my real feelings (especially even from myself), translate them into mild questions of others, and show myself (the self of which I was truly aware) to very few.   And at the same time, as a girl from the South, to attempt to be appealing to all, offending none, again requiring HIDING.   And once I trusted someone, I should regard that trust as a blood pact that could never be violated and to EXPECT no violations, no weakness in myself or others….All of these ideas required me to close my eyes …..I couldn’t see so many things that should have been obvious, and worse, I developed a victim epistemology that led me to imagine I was enduring  tragedy as if it were happening TO me, rather than seeing what of it I influenced.   I was always an actor in my life, but had been well-trained to overlook that fact.   Sort of Southern girl—by way of Catholic rules and authority—-by way of Czech immigrants trying to assimilate quickly —all of these overlaid with my own secretive family dynamics from both maternal and paternal sides and the vastly unspoken realities of those families’  lives.  

So one part of me thinks that it might be a little dangerous to walk around so undefended, so open, often raw.   Yet this porousness allows joy, sunshine, passion, scents, sounds…in.   IN.   The possibility of some future wounding seems nearly irrelevant compared to what can get in now….and what is getting in.    So this year, I may be taking risks, but I’m not calcified….I’m porous and soaking all of it in.  IN.   I’m all in.

OASIS! And it’s not the 90s….

I had hoped to go to the Oasis show December 20th in Northern Virginia, because I missed them in their heyday despite being a fan.  (That record wasn’t really played in my old house).  I wasn’t sure they had anything new to offer, and I wanted to go in part to see Ryan Adams, finally.  

I’d missed 2 Ryan Adams shows last year when he cancelled and then the rescheduled dates were set for when I was travelling.   But I really didn’t want to go up to George Mason solo, and the last time I was there at the Patriot Center was a lifetime ago for a Smashing Pumpkins concert and I didn’t want to relive any part of that scene.  

Fortunately, a friend was game to go and I stocked the car with all the necessities of a pleasant road trip.   It was raining and cold most of the way up but we had good directions, great conversation, and the evening was shaping up to be big fun.  Our timing was impeccable but the parking was a little too exposed for some of our anticipated activities especially with a huge police presence on this continually rebuilding, construction zone of a  campus.  The arena is built for basketball and was smaller but steeper than I recalled, and our tickets were–yes these used to scare me—way up on the top nosebleed row!   However, we had a great view of the stage and the sound was really good.

So, Matt Costa.  I thought he was local because he’s been around Charlottesville a lot, but apparently he’s from Big Sur, a former skater boi pro, and just tours his ass off. 

He gave a fun acoustic set with one guy helping him out, and sounded great.  

Next I held my breath to see if Ryan would show up, and along with the Cardinals, he did.  They played a set drawing from Cardinology, Easy Tiger, Rock N Roll, and even some older stuff, and I was very impressed.  Again, the sound was great, Ryan was fun, the whole band seemed like the members were getting along and joking around, and I loved it!   They played for nearly an hour and really showed off their musicianship.

Here’s a short clip of Ryan Adams and the Cardinals doing Come Pick me Up:

 http://video.aol.com/video-detail/ryan-adams-come-pick-me-up-chorus-live/870875542/?icid=VIDURVMUS03

In a shockingly short time for a big set change, OASIS came on.  They were in high form, despite Noel Gallagher’s recent tussle with a fan in Canada that left him with shoulder and arm injuries and questions about his resultant guitar playing ability!   Liam seemed to be dressed up as a mash-up of John Lennon and grunge but it worked for this sarcastic singer.  They launched right in with What’s the Story Morning Glory? and covered most all of the songs on that record, plus some from their debut record.  In the backdrop, they had interesting angles of all 4 bandmates up on screens with monochrome effects.  It was low-tech compared to the stunning Radiohead show I’d seen in May, but the simpler camera work proved undistracting from really strong performances. 

In the one remaining local record store the other day, I found 4 U.K. music rags with Oasis covers—apparently over there it’s still hip to follow Liam’s constant bickering with Noel, who apparently was not invited to Liam’s recent wedding but “NOEL says I don’t care!”   I got quite a laugh, but not enough to pay 10 quid for any of them!  

The music was fun, and I absolutely loved their ending with I am the Walrus and Liam’s self-congratulatory thank yous!   (He said something like, you all are great…..but not as great as us!).  Rock star.

Our entry path was closed off for exiting the parking lot, of course, but we got out of there with a minimum of lostness and avoided any arrestedness.   We soon found ourselves starving and in need of something good and hot with nothing open down the 29 corridor.  Plus it started raining again and was bloody cold. 

Finally, we limped into Charlottesville famished and hit the Waffle House, always an adventure especially late night.  The same strange crew was there that I’ve seen before— young manager boy, older knowledgeable longtimer waitress, younger apparently very slow on the uptake new waitress, and assorted oddballs who are regulars there. 

The most interesting group (other than me and my friend!) was a guy who had to be 60, being licked and fondled by TWO skanky 20-somethings with way too much makeup, one of whom made it to the restroom just in time to hurl loudly—oooh not an appetite enhancer!  Finally we made it home and it was a long night well worth the price paid in travel, fatigue, and a late late night including moving furniture!

December parties and restaurants

OK, I know I complained a lot last year about the holiday party.  This year I went, and was glad to have gone and reconnected with a couple of dear friends who were out of the loop for a while.  I even danced this year—we had some music from this decade and the 90s along with some really great 70’s stuff instead of the usual horrible 80s stuff I hated even at the time.  I thought it was gonna be fun and I might even stay late.  However, while hugging Posie, I spilled red wine on my chairman’s tux sleeve and hilarity ensued, with us taking over the ladies’ room to wash him off….Soon after that I had to make my exit! 

Posie, Heather, and Karen

Sorry Johnson!

The next day, I had six girlfriends over for a facials party, but there are NO incriminating pictures of us, thankfully!

On Dec. 12, Heather hosted a holiday party which doubled as a birthday party for Posie, and at which I told reality stories that scared all the dewy grad students!

Amy Michelle and PosieLeah and Joe

  Robert, Amanda, and Tim

Alex Stefania and Leah

Karen and the frightened Laura and Maren

I also enjoyed some time with Heather at the new Si tapas in the old Starr Hill space, and finally went to Continental Divide, where I was impressed with the extensive Tex Mex and punk rock, that night featuring the Ramones.  And Mas is always a favorite and I had a fantastic night there recently getting to watch the prep with lots of fire, enjoying drinks, great food, and harassing the waitress about the way the lights are hung in the lower room….

Todd Rundgren, Arena Rock, and a Supper Club????

 Todd Rundgren’s Arena tour in on now, and being held in supper clubs.  Is this intentional irony or bad managment?  We saw him in a dinner theatre cum hoe-down hellhole called the Birchmere up in Alexandria.  While the Arena record is slyly funny and boasts at least 3 memorable songs, the setting left us thinking….”HUH?”  

Chris and I worked on our joint grant project for a few hours then hiked up to NOVA.  He has a great pre-show routine and I did my best to stay out of the way until well into the blasting of the required Hot Cappucino song en route.   He thought he’d been there before, but no–we walked into this place that looked like bad 80’s Dallas–faux cowboy and rodeo stuff everywhere, different “stations” to get bad food and drink, etc., and a lottery-type system for seating.  

Luckily for us, we got there just in time, and got back of the room seats.  Lucky because we were clearly the youngest in the house, and there were plenty of decrepit oldsters including “long haired hippie types” and lots of naturally grey haired women who’d clearly gone too many years braless in the 60s.  There was no floor, and it was seated like the fake Hawaiian Luau at Disney World—everyone trapped into an 8 or 10 top table, with “dinner” service and bad drinks!  So we wisely chose the furthest back table and the 2 seats on the escaping end, so that we could stand up even if nobody else did.

Here’s the sad part for Mr. Rundgren, who gave a solid performance and didn’t seem dismayed at all (probably his wicked humor saved him).   NOBODY stood up except for me and Chris.  Sigh.  At the VERY end of the show, a few other folks way on either side stood up. 

At least fewer people left than we feared, just in case they expected “Can We Still Be Friends”……He essentially played Arena straight through, with a few crowd pleaser hits thrown in.   Clearly one of the more interesting shows I’ve seen this year…..

Thanksgiving 2008

The morning was cold and as the boys and I were preparing for our second annual family 5K at the Charlottesville Track Club Turkey Trot held at the beautiful Boar’s Head Inn, the thermometer was reading a hearty 28 degrees.  We dressed a little warmly, knowing that while it was cold, the course is extremely challenging due to its big hills and we would quickly warm up.  Last year’s race was my first hill run and it cost me about 5 minutes added to my typically slow time for a 5K!   Here we are getting ready to go.

Tristan loves his ipod and new cap.

Yes that is a nascent mustache on Jamie.  Yikes!

  Me with my ski headband on to protect my frozen ears!

It was a beautiful day despite the initial cold.  This 5K is a family affair, and we ran into a number of families we knew.  Tristan set out to run with his 4th grade buddies, and Jamie was reluctantly going to run with them “to avoid being bored running out front all by myself.”   I was hoping to keep them in sight, but last year they’d beat me by 9 minutes (Jamie) and 5 minutes (Tristan).  The gun went off, we all took off, and I could see J’s LSU Santa cap way ahead!  I trotted up to catch up but didn’t catch Tristan til about a mile.  when he’d pulled over with a stomach cramp.  I had to pull him, uphill, for about the next mile, so I gave up on beating last year’s time.   Still it was fun to be together and when we got to the 2 mile mark, when the rest of the race is downhill or flat, he took off and I could never catch him.  Again, I brought up the rear lagging him by about 4 minutes.  I beat last year’s time by about 20 seconds.  This year the course was reversed, so that after 1/2 mile, the course is uphill until the 2 mile point–wow was that painful! 

Later we all relaxed, I cooked, and here’s a peaceful moment or two in parenting history as the boys played backyard sports/baseball on the computer and watched a little TV.  Check out J’s short haircut.  He wanted this, volunteered to get rid of the rock star hair, and is still wildly popular with the girls.  T has a beautiful smile but braces are in his future too!

It was a lovely and quiet Holiday….some of my favorite moments were my phone conversations with loved ones, and a nice relaxed talk with my mom while the boys played quietly on the computer.

November 2008 highlights

Crazily, our research group decided very late to go for a large multifaceted grant application, and I had a few of the beleaguered participants over for a little respite November 9th. 

 Your hostess for the evening 

     Tim and the lovely Heather    

  Brad, Posie, and Michelle

I also had Maya one weekend and she and the boys had lots of fun, although she was excluded from fort building for obvious reasons!

Tristan, Mr. Recycle, eating ice cream in November!

 

Maya and chocolate ice cream bar

 

Fort building near our house

 I also worked quite a bit on two book chapters this month, but not enough….   The month seemed oddly brief and then we slammed into Thanksgiving! 

Grant writing essentially took over our lives for about 5 weeks, so everything else I was to have finished before the new year took a backseat and I’m paying for it now in workload overload!

Halloween 2008

Wow it is different to have little girls than it has been to have little (and now big) boys.  This year I had the pleasure of hosting little Maya, newly 4, for Halloween.  While the boys were seeking the scariest possible costumes, Maya in contrast wanted to look as “beautiful” as possible.  She was horrified at the idea that I would wear a witch hat and a green ugly mask—”but you should look beautiful Karen!”  It was a chilly night but initially she insisted on going out sans sweater, and wearing matching HEELS for her Belle costume.  So I spent about 45 minutes holding her hand, trekking up and down our street, while she click-click-clicked beside me.  It was hilarious.  The neighbors probably thought I was a crazed mother letting “my” tiny child waddle around in heels.  We came in, changed into slightly warmer gear, and went out for another half hour before she decided she’d gotten enough loot and was ready to hand out candy back at the house.  Despite her youth, she saw fit to order a bunch of 12 year olds around about how they should trade their candy.  It was a riot of an evening, and I would gladly do it again! 

Here’s Maya in her glory (note shoes, scepter, matching princess pumpkin, and TIARA!

The princess braving the “graveyard” and ghouls in front of my house.

Some of her “subjects”:  Andy (pirate), Jamie (Skeleton), DinoCow, and Will (Mario)

Post-trick or treating: Maya bossing the 12 year olds.

Tristan had a sleepover at his buddy Michael’s and across a set of 5 boys, they got a haul of 29.5 pounds of candy in a wagon!

A good time was had by all.

Rock the vote 2008

It seemed like an odd mix of performers.  Norah Jones and Jack Johnson, one can see.  They played along with a woman I’d gotten there too late to see, and the wrap of the Norah Jones set was pretty cool and not too soporific.  Jack Johnson was lovely as he had been at the Virgin Fest, but he benefited the previous time from a larger venue.  He had the same hazy photos of flowers, waves, and other things meditative flashing behind him.  Sheryl Crow was the next level act and while she has some really memorable songs (but of course didn’t get anywhere near my favorite), she seemed a little….unexcited.   Gasoline Will be Free was a clear highlight, but Everyday is a Winding Road was clearly the most fun…..  The headliner was the Beastie Boys, and they played alone, and it was….GOOD.   I jumped and danced and enjoyed the hell out of it.

Obama at the University of New Mexico

I was in Albuquerque just before the election, for a week at a conference with “my people,” friends and colleagues who hold common beliefs, values, and principles–these are some of the most generous and creative people I know.  They are the closest thing I have to an extended family outside of a few very close long term friends.  The meeting was more stressful than I expected and I had many more responsibilities than I’d planned, and I got tired early and felt bad for a few days.  Then we heard that McCain and Obama were making stops there on Oct. 25.  A group of us planned to go to the rally for Obama, and we had to get there early.   We took the city bus, rode out to UNM, and stood in a very long line that ran the length of the campus for several hours.  We bought buttons, talked politics, and talked about the confusing points of the American system to our UK colleagues who had questions.  When the line started moving we were so excited.   Would we get in?  Yes, although our spot was pretty far back….

George Lopez the comedian opened it up, then Bill Richardson spoke, then some local candidates.   Obama came on and gave a mixed speech–a little workmanlike, a little inspiration–not the all-out evocative oratory he can deliver, but a perfectly pitched mix for this point in the election season and for this crowd. 

My U.K. friends were “moved” and “surprised” and I was so touched that they wanted to be there, wanted to witness this, and were rooting for important change in our country that could help the whole world to view the U.S. as again an openhearted, generous, thoughtful, and decisive place.  

On the bus ride home, I was on a high —-yet my excitement was tempered with fears that too many of our people harbored persistent racist views and just wouldn’t be able to vote for a half black half white man.  But sharing this night with some of the people I love most in the world, buffered my fears and kept my hopes flowing—-and the election’s result is still ringing in my happy ears as a song of freedom and possibiiity.

hello, farewell…

Times are flying on my projects at work, and inevitably, people move on.  Tonight we had a hello /farewell party to bid old friends Corey and Leah goodbye, and to welcome Kendall and Erik and Robert and Jenny.   The party was probably our best work related one yet, and I had little Maya for the weekend, who LOVED playing with Wendy’s girls.  I’m sad to see people go, and happy that these departures are for good reasons.   Somehow I neglected to take photos so they are not here!

Here’s a little post-party frivolity the next day while I was cleaning up, with Tristan tickling little Maya who’s obviously loving it!

Crooked Fingers and Okkervil River at the National

It started with a short run, which left me suffering with continuing arm pain from the tendonitis I can’t seem to shake.  The day then turned happy when I met Heather for lunch, grant reviewing (sigh!) and a pedicure (oh yeah baby!)  

Then it was on to Richmond for a little further enhancement.  I must have lost all sense of judgment because the ride from the West End to the National seemed to take two delightful hours, but it’s usually a 15 ninute drive!  I went with delightful companions Chris and Mark, who had been a bit reluctant but I’d wanted to see Okkervil River again.   I saw them open for New Pornographers but they were given short shrift.  Somehow though, maybe related to my diminished judgment, or maybe to their brilliance, I was instead blown away by this opening band–Crooked Fingers.  I kept thinking they were Magic Fingers–both girls had me entranced. 

I bought their album and still like it, but somehow the magic of the night and the performance is not what it was live, on that evening!

Oh yeah the other band!  Okkervil River was fantastic, I think.  Here are some shots from my phone.

Acela: D.C. to NY Penn Station

Armed with my new iphone, I was confident that I could meander around D.C. in time to catch that early train after DBTs in September.  I had to do a day’s training in Manhattan at the AIDS Clinic at St. Luke’s Roosevelt, working with a very cool project in which peers are used to try to encourage very ill patients to enter outpatient care.  The next day, I had to be in D.C. to do a talk at NIH’s conference on FASD and the impact of other substance use on pregnancy. 

While the iphone’s maps app is fantastic, I forgot I’d be driving and attempting to look at the same time, and would not get audio turn by turn directions like in a typical GPS system mounted in the car.  (I’m sure software is being designed RIGHT NOW that will add that as an app).  Anyway, as usual, I had a little misadventure navigating around D.C., but made in there in time to wait for the LUXURY Acela train.   There in the waiting area is Mario Batali and his family, including a surprisingly plain wife and 2 sons, all men clad in those ugly orange crocs.  Like Mario wouldn’t stand out anyway!   He looks EXACTLY like he does on TV–either he was wearing makeup in person or they do very minimalist makeup on TV.

Anyway, they went into the first class section, while I was very comfortably housed in the second.  I had fun watching our progress on the iphone maps and comparing it to what I saw.  Amazingly accurate. 

Once I got to Manhattan, I took an easy cab up to my friend’s place 92nd and Park West–fantastic! and we hit the town.   First, we had drinks at the chi chi bar whose name I’m blanking now.    Second, to a real party, in a rented suite and all, that was the farewell to their long term psychology training director.  Lastly, a late night fusion Chinese dinner in an artful restaurant where diplomats were dining and we had to be frisked!  

The training was fantastic, because the peers were really amazing.  Their stories bring tears to my eyes.  Their commitment to helping others with this illness is pretty amazing.  They took naturally to this motivational, helping, guiding style and I’m optimistic about the project.

The train back was good, but then I got badly lost winding my way up through Silver Spring to find my hotel, which was far too far away from the NIH conference building.  I gave my talk mid-afternoon, and the audience was quite different than the usual— scientists, policy makers, NIH and CDC administrators, but lots of parents and advocacy workers.   I think I made a good case for adding contraception counseling to the menu of prevention options……

I would do Acela again in a heartbeat, but this time with accurate directions or a talking iphone app!