Preparing for the holidays

Today, my boys decided that there were not yet enough lights on our house nor decorations in the yard.  Now, don’t think I’ve been stingy or that our yard looked like Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree.  But the cascade of white icicle lights on our picket fence and the lit twig tree plus a string of old-school colored bulbs around the door jamb were not enough.  So, off to the Target we went and the boys picked out everything else.  So now we have colored icicle lights on the porch roofline, colored lights wrapped around each of the 4 white porch columns, and a new twig tree, plus a neon-like “MERRY CHRISTMAS” red sign on the front window, and a 6 foot inflatable lit sled with two penguins on the side of the front yard.  When we got home, the other neighborhood boys helped us to fully emblazon the house and here are the results, albeit in a fuzzy night shot in the icy rain.  The boys and their friends proclaimed it now the “best” house in the neighborhood.  They are happy. 

Healing

This morning I woke up feeling bad.  I had gotten about 7 hours of sleep but it was restless.  It remained gloomy and drizzly outside and that’s never cheery to me.  So I got up and thought, do what needs to be done.

I’d procured some Christmas gifts for the children so proceeded to wrap those, thinking I’d soon dress for church and head over there.  But I had an uneasy feeling about that.  Just as I was trying to tune into why I felt I shouldn’t go today, when last week it had been really good, the phone rang.

My bff Marie was calling and we had a really important talk and I cried and yet I felt better.   By paying attention to my hesitancy, I ended up having time to talk withher.  She is a gift in my life for over 30 years now.  She’s going on a spiritual retreat over the New Year’s weekend with her sister and I’m hoping she’ll come back with some additional healing ideas for me.

 Marie and her boys and one of mine, March 2003

Today, she talked about noticing what I’m already doing that’s right–working, managing the household, taking care of the boys, getting some exercise, eating relatively healthily, taking some care of my mother, and telling the truth about my emotional state to my loved ones.  Also that despite all of those things, they don’t necessarily “work” to prevent sadness and bereavement.

She is singing a solo right now and I can almost hear it.  I am going to take in some of her wisdom and spirit today. 

Forced gaiety

 Some of the members of our fantastic team.

It’s not true that there are more suicides in December or around the Christmas holidays than other times.  That’s an urban myth.  It’s likely that people believe in the increased rate of suicide at Christmas due to the existence of departmental parties with bad music and inadequate alcohol.  At least ours was in a beautiful setting, the storied Farmington Country Club.

 I went with intentions of participating in forced gaiety but couldn’t pull it off last night.

Considerations on fate and choice

  Chalice of the Unitarian Universalist Church.

What is going on in my life?  That’s a question that I’ve usually thought I should be able to answer.  Now, I think if I have an answer, it’s either inevitably wrong meaning inaccurate, OR wrong to come up with one as in self-deluding to think I can sum anything up so neatly.     

Last night one I trust completely and love deeply told me I’ve been depressed.    This was later confirmed by another loved one. I’ve always rejected depression as a notion because it never seemed true or useful.   But when two different people you respect say the same thing, you have to pay attention.   So I have two reactions, well three.       

 Who’s fault is it that I’m depressed?  Ha ha ha….

One, no I am not!  That’s not me!   Yeah,  I may be sad, dread certain things, be grieving over others,  feel keenly the absence of yet others,  think my life is going down the tubes and it’s getting worse, and yet…..on other days I am happy and focused.  Those days make me think the other ones can be ignored.    But if I’m honest, I’d say that in each major area of my life, I feel dissatisfied and that’s really different from several years ago.   Maybe that’s the essence of mid-life questioning.   So if I’m unhappy with x, y, z……it can be overwhelming.   As my best friend suggested, maybe it’s useful to pull together all those things that feel wrong into a simpler, manageable one: depressed phase  (note I still reject the noun depression!)        

So that’s my second reaction– that maybe I am a little depressed and I should accept that as a natural phase in my life, rather than be afraid of it.    The third response, of course, follows immediately on the heels of acceptance of weakness.  I should take action to change it.   

So in the vein of acceptance and a call to action, I did something about it.  That night I had a darn strong and long cry about the parts of my life that sadden me, and took a bath to relax myself a little.    But then–I got up on time, got dressed, and went to church.  I haven’t done that in a very long time.  You know I’m a lapsed Catholic who’s sampled a bit of other religions–initially going to the Lutheran church in early childhood, then back to the Catholic church, then trying to be a practicing Methodist in high school (sang in the choir and everything) with a Mom who introduced me to Eastern philosophy around 12.   

Once en route, this time to the Unitarian church, I felt so peaceful and relaxed even though I’d be walking into a new situation completely alone.   I was in the moment.  There were greetings, some short and genuine connections in the sanctuary, a very interesting service, and hilariously, the sermon was about Radical Acceptance.  That is, take the pain, really feel it, don’t try to change it, and share with others both joys and sorrows while letting go of that list of the reasons you’re not yet living right.  It seemed like fate that the sermon would be on the very issue I’ve been working on for 3 years….  It was very moving and during the first guided meditative period I felt myself getting teary but rather than fight it I just allowed it, and it subsided.     

  Thomas Jefferson Memorial Church 

While there, I felt present in the presence of others who might become a community to me.  After the service, choices and fate kept colliding.  I left slowly, (a choice) and ended up having a conversation that might lead to a friendship.  I felt a connection to this woman who might become important to me (fate?)  I was very happy about that even if it goes nowhere–again, staying focused on the moments rather than the outcomes, or tying up all the loose ends before they can be known (was I making a choice to accept fate?).   I then worked on my Christmas cards, another sign of acceptance of life as it is rather than mourning the loss of what i was or wishing for what it isn’t yet.  And just to tempt fate more, hung with my mom for a few hours helping her hang some pictures.  

These all seemed like choices and they turned out well today.Then I talked to my cherished friend about the fate of my team….which as you know, turned out damn well….and later, just when I was wanting to talk to him again, at that same moment, he called me….      

   Coach Les Miles and Defensive Tackle Glen Dorsey hoist the 2007 SEC trophy.

Then I did some chores and wrapped some Christmas gifts for the boys on behalf of Santa and flipped around…(a choice) only to find The Color Purple playing, which for me is the same as Godfather II—I have to watch it no matter where I come in (fate, destiny).  You know it’s about a woman who overcomes heinous abuse to find love, contentment, and a completely new sense of self….and at the end, is reunited unexpectedly with her beloved sister and her children……a brilliant mixture of choices and fate, self determination and grace….I cried my eyes out for 30 minutes as I always do, and it was good.      

  Poster for the movie The Color Purple.

I was about to turn off the TV at 11:30 THEN on comes Grand Canyon, which is all about dissolution, fate, and choice, and reclaiming your life.    I CHOSE to watch it again, and it felt like fate.  I’ve watched it twice before, and written and read significant essays inspired by it.    And I’m left this evening, pensive, relaxed, curious…..and I choose to think at this moment, not depressed.   LOL…. 

 Poster for the movie Grand Canyon.